Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and not really seeing the real you. You see someone but the someone is a person plagued with mistakes and problems. Some people only see their blotchy and pimpled skin. Some men see to few muscles. Some women concentrate on their lack of a chest. While I noticed some of these same things, I was fixated on my misshaped body. I wanted the body I saw in magazines. I wanted the body the boys at school desired. And so attempted to obtain something that was virtually unattainable with my body shape.I began to feel overweight when around my sixteenth birthday. I guess you could attribute my feelings to my feelings of inadequacy in the dating department. All the girls in my grade seem to have someone that admired them. I had no one. So I started staring into mirrors and wondering what I had to do in order to have someone notice me. I decided that my weight was the only thing I could realistically change.
In the beginning I tried not eating. It didn't last long because there was no way of avoiding family dinners. I knew my mom would begin to question my actions so I decided to eat and throw up just enough to feel like I hadn't eaten. I didn't do it everyday. I just did it when I felt like I had overindulged. After a few months passed, I felt like I gorged to much and throwing up became a daily occurrence.
Every time I told myself to stop, I couldn't. I would refrain from puking for a few days but for some reason I felt guilty. Two days would pass and I would feel like I had gained ten pounds. This just sent me back to the toilet with my finger in my throat. At the time, I thought I threw up because I was concerned about my weight, but now looking back, I realize it was all about control. When ever my life seemed out of control, the only constant I had was my secret. No one knew what I was doing. It was the one thing I had control of and I didn't want to let it go because I thought I would lose power by stopping.
I threw up secretly for five years. I never really lost the curves I felt were too shapely. I actually gained weight which frustrated me and caused me to keep
hitting my knees after meals. I even got to the point where I didn't have to stick my finger down my throat. The food just came up when I bent over. As odd as it sounds, there was something gratifying about that. I felt like I had become an expert in throwing up.
It wasn't until I started to feel faint while exercising or walking back and forth from campus that I felt a need to to change. I talked to my two best friends who I had thought knew nothing about my secret. They knew. They just didn't know how to approach me about it. My best friend taught me a few tricks about eating right and I began to adopt them into my life. We had a daily count of how many days I could go without throwing up. My friends cheered me on each week I remained clean.
This system worked for awhile. I felt better inside and outside. I remained true to the commitment until my life began to spin out of control again. I can't even tell you how many times I attempted to stop throwing up. Failure made me want to do it more. Stress made me want to do it more. Starting again was inevitable. That's what I truly thought until I met someone who taught me to love myself. It has taken more than two years to come to where I am today. I haven't thrown up in 612 days. And I feel that I have more control than I ever have.
I admit that I had/have an eating disorder.
It wasn't until I started to feel faint while exercising or walking back and forth from campus that I felt a need to to change. I talked to my two best friends who I had thought knew nothing about my secret. They knew. They just didn't know how to approach me about it. My best friend taught me a few tricks about eating right and I began to adopt them into my life. We had a daily count of how many days I could go without throwing up. My friends cheered me on each week I remained clean.
This system worked for awhile. I felt better inside and outside. I remained true to the commitment until my life began to spin out of control again. I can't even tell you how many times I attempted to stop throwing up. Failure made me want to do it more. Stress made me want to do it more. Starting again was inevitable. That's what I truly thought until I met someone who taught me to love myself. It has taken more than two years to come to where I am today. I haven't thrown up in 612 days. And I feel that I have more control than I ever have.
I admit that I had/have an eating disorder.
I am a bulimic. I didn't know it then. I just felt like it was something that I did to help me feel better. To help me feel in control. It wasn't. I have learned that my eating disorder was/is really a disease of my mind. When I feel stressed or inept, I lean to throwing up as my crutch. That is what it really is. To me, my eating disorder was/is a bad habit. Just like drinking, smoking, doing drugs, etc. Think about it....why do people drink or do drugs? Because it offers them a release from the world. It allows them to escape the stress of the moment and slip away into some type of dream world where things are perfect.
Today, I try to focus on the good about my body. I have more curves than ever after having a baby. My clothes fit differently because my hips are wider. Some days it is hard. Some days it is really hard. But I will not give in. I know who I am. I know that I have the power to act and not to be acted upon. Bulimia made me weak.
Today, I try to focus on the good about my body. I have more curves than ever after having a baby. My clothes fit differently because my hips are wider. Some days it is hard. Some days it is really hard. But I will not give in. I know who I am. I know that I have the power to act and not to be acted upon. Bulimia made me weak.
Being me makes me strong.
What would I tell my younger self? Stop staring in mirrors. It is okay to look. It is not okay to stare. Staring makes people think irrationally. I would tell myself to eat good food. I missed out on so much good food just because I was being too self-conscious. I would tell myself that the girls in magazines are not all they are cracked up to be. I would probably just take away all magazines that don't portray real woman.
What would I tell all women? Accept the curves. Accept your differences. Change only the things you can in a healthy way. Get over the things you can't. I know that sounds harsh. But sometimes, someone needs to be harsh in order for others to accept reality.
What would I tell my younger self? Stop staring in mirrors. It is okay to look. It is not okay to stare. Staring makes people think irrationally. I would tell myself to eat good food. I missed out on so much good food just because I was being too self-conscious. I would tell myself that the girls in magazines are not all they are cracked up to be. I would probably just take away all magazines that don't portray real woman.
What would I tell all women? Accept the curves. Accept your differences. Change only the things you can in a healthy way. Get over the things you can't. I know that sounds harsh. But sometimes, someone needs to be harsh in order for others to accept reality.
image by: mg.visualizeus.com
